Hey guys! What your Jewish mother never told you

Don’t let your dating profile make you look like a schmuck idateju.com

The Dating Profile. It asks you for your interests, education level, likes and dislikes. It’s like an internet Jewish mother: how many more questions can it ask you? Your sexual habits? If you pick your nose when no one is looking? Here are a few tips on what NOT to say or do on your internet dating profile. Remember, your libido and heart will thank you.

#1 Macho, Macho Man…and The Fish-Lipped Woman

Please don’t pose in some hyper-masculine macho way with your biceps out and your chest muscles rippling. I am all for a sexy hardbody, but show some modesty. Wear a nice button-down shirt or fitted sweater to show off that physique. Pumping your arms in some monkey gesture simply makes you a chump…and clearly an unevolved man.
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As for the ladies, if you just got some lip injections, then certainly your lips might be puckered like you just ate twenty limes, but other than that, you should keep the “fish face” photos to a minimum. While a close-up photo certainly isn’t a bad thing, posing like you’re trying to be a pin-up with lips curled up like tuna doesn’t make you look sexy…you look special, and not in the good way.

For both sexes: anything too posed looks like you’re trying too hard. Just use a casual or professional business shot for your main profile photo. If you have to crop someone out of the picture, that’s fine, and much better than leaving your ex in the shot.

#2 Me, me, me!

While I’m sure you’re wonderful and the apple of your mother’s weary eyes, try not to be braggy or pretentious. I am sure you’re successful, and maybe you were the top of your class—or too cool to even bother to give a hoot, but just being a straight-shooter will get you farther than listing all your accomplishments in an attempt to make you stand-out. There’s nothing wrong with being awesome, but when a person reads a dating profile, he or she wants to get an idea of what you might be like in person, rather than just reading off your resume or CV.

#3 Honesty is the best policy

It’s irritating to read about how toned someone is and how frequently they go to the gym, only to show up and find the person must have been smoking something when they wrote that. I also hate it when someone throws in interests just to make themselves look appealing when it’s not even their thing.  I’ve even seen people lie about personality traits. No one does this because they’re a psychopath, per se (well, usually not...), but because the person wants to impress. The fact is, no matter what you put in your profile, someone is going to eventually get to know you, so just be you and stop with the nonsense. Don’t worry about impressing someone;  find someone who will like you for who you are. Otherwise, you’ll end up dumped anyway. Last note for this topic: be honest about your marital status. If you’re not, you're asking to get kicked in the privates or smacked in the boob.

Last tip for the day my children…

#4 This is not therapy

I am sorry you were dumped two years ago and now you can’t find a guy who’s as cute and as big of a jerk as the last guy. I am sorry you are still pining over your ex-wife or girlfriend. Nobody cares besides your friends and therapist. This is not the place to put your baggage on display or talk about how you’re such a great catch who just keeps getting hurt. While I empathize with your plight, it only makes you look desperate, which you might be, but still…just keep your insecurities and heartache to yourself. You will attract a better person, and move on with your life.

 Laura Lifshitz
Laura Lifshitz is a Columbia  University Graduate, Chocolate Whore, Comedienne, and Battery-Operated Writer. Known for her frank love and sex advice, Laura's bark is bigger than her bite, but best of all, she's rabies-free and incredibly cuddly. She has been seen on MTV, Vh-1, Fox's Red Eye, and her therapist's couch.